Reaching out to various bloggers, they asked what they would want in a Survival Crate to help them make it to the end of the movie. She read a few of the posts and their lists of indispensable items - swords, knives, guns, first aid kits, water, food, flashlights - all very practical and well thought-out.
But let's be realistic. In any horror movie the insomniac were in, she'd be the very first one picked off. As she swiftly approaches a fairly advanced Milestone Birthday, suffers from a bad back and arthritic knees, couldn't run more than five steps without needing to stop and gasp for air, and is not generally known for being the sharpest tool in the shed, it's practically a certainty she WILL be the one who trips over the non-existent root while ever-so-slowly fleeing the werewolf in the Spooky Forest; she WILL be the one who decides it's a brilliant idea to descend into the basement alone without a flashlight in the middle of the night after hearing an unusual noise emanating from the cellar; and she WILL be the one who stands mesmerized and immobile as a vampyre climbs through the Little Gothic Cottage's leaded glass window and lunges for her throat. After she's cluelessly invited him in for a glass of wine. Which he won't even drink.
She decided to participate in the campaign, but to write it armed only with the knowledge that she will perish. And probably horribly. Although, if she has a choice in the matter, she would like to request Death by Gary Oldman (see previous post for further clarification).
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The following items are those the insomniac has deemed necessary for her Non-Survival Crate, to help her prepare for her inevitable demise with the Grace and Dignity she is so well known by. Well known for. Whatever.
*** A Comfortable Chair ***
Preferably with her favourite Death's Cameo Lumbar Coffin Pillow, in case it's a long movie and her back starts giving her grief.
*** A Decent Ottoman ***
And not one of those adorable Victorian beaded footstools, either ... the kind that barely raise a person's feet two inches off the floor. As attractive as they are, the insomniac requires a real ottoman, so that when Mr. Oldman finally arrives her legs aren't numb from being incorrectly elevated, causing her great embarrassment as she attempts to stand and meet her executioner with Grace and Dignity but instead crumples to the floor at his feet in an untidy heap whimpering, “Help. I've fallen and I can't get up.”
Should a decent-sized Victorian ottoman be as difficult for the staff at Man Crates to find as it's proven to be for the insomniac, then one could always kill a few hours modifying the crate itself with a staple gun and a piece of damask. Still, it would be nice to leave just one more piece of antique furniture for the offspring to deal with after her departure, along with all those knitted goods she's in the process of creating and accumulating in a box. In the basement. Underneath the stairs.
Eldest: Oh look. Mum's favourite chair and ottoman. Shame it's covered in blood and ... good Lord, what is THAT? Okay, those are yours.
Youngest: I'm not taking them. I took the armwarmers and the stupid slouchy hat with matching mittens and the twenty-three pair of socks she knit last Christmas.
*** Snacks ***
This is one item the insomniac completely agrees with the other participants is essential in anyone's Crate - whether it be Survival or Non-Survival.
No sense embarrassing herself even further with ... gassiness ...
while laying there in a crumpled heap at Mr. Oldman's feet.
*** Light Reading Material ***
Any of the following magazines - Victoria, Romantic Cottage, The English Home, Period Living UK - basically, anything with pretty pictures and very little text. Seems rather pointless to start in on an epic novel if it's unlikely one is going to live long enough to find out how it ends.
*** Alcohol - And Plenty Of It ***
Because it IS important to remain hydrated. Any of the Mixed Drink or Whiskey Crates would fit the bill nicely; none of the Beer Crates, please. One would assume Mr. Oldman prefers his victims to not be ... er, gassy.
|Probably not this.|
Now should the folks at Man Crates have zero control over how the insomniac meets her doom and, instead of her preference of a semi-civilized exit by exsanguination via Mr. Oldman, she perishes in the Zombie Apocalypse while being used as someone much faster and smarter's meat shield, is chewed to death by a rabid dog when she trips and falls as she's “running” to the safety of her vehicle, or is slashed to bits by a chainsaw-wielding maniac **waves to the spouse** as she unwisely chooses to enter the obviously unsavory abandoned cottage, then she would like to add the following item to her Non-Survival Crate:
*** Depend Briefs ***
Two pair should be sufficient. Unless it's a really ghastly ending, then best to make it three. If it's going to be completely horrific, don't even bother adding them to the crate. Probably not going to matter that much anyway.
* * *
To be clear, this is not a paid-for post. At the time of this writing, no one from Man Crates has reached out to the insomniac to ask for her mailing address. However, should any of the aforementioned crates accidentally wind up on her doorstep, it's unlikely they'd be returned “Addressee Unknown”. One is quite sure the spouse would enjoy the contents immensely, while raising a toast to his late Gracefully Dignified wife ...
Until next time, the insomniac wishes you nights of blissful sleep filled with pleasant dreams. Goodnight, my pretties.