Tuesday, October 20, 2015

How to Survive to the End of a Horror Movie. Or Not.

Earlier this week, the insomniac  received an email from a new company called Man Crates. This company creates unique gift packages for men in custom wooden crates that require opening with a crowbar. Astonishingly, they felt her blog would be a perfect fit for their Horror Movie Survival Kit campaign.

Reaching out to various bloggers, they asked what they would want in a Survival Crate to help them make it to the end of the movie. She read a few of the posts and their lists of indispensable items - swords, knives, guns, first aid kits, water, food, flashlights - all very practical and well thought-out.

But let's be realistic. In any horror movie the insomniac  were in, she'd be the very first one picked off. As she swiftly approaches a fairly advanced Milestone Birthday, suffers from a bad back and arthritic knees, couldn't run more than five steps without needing to stop and gasp for air, and is not generally known for being the sharpest tool in the shed, it's practically a certainty she WILL be the one who trips over the non-existent root while ever-so-slowly fleeing the werewolf in the Spooky Forest; she WILL be the one who decides it's a brilliant idea to descend into the basement alone without a flashlight in the middle of the night after hearing an unusual noise emanating from the cellar; and she WILL be the one who stands mesmerized and immobile as a vampyre climbs through the Little Gothic Cottage's leaded glass window and lunges for her throat. After she's cluelessly invited him in for a glass of wine. Which he won't even drink.

She decided to participate in the campaign, but to write it armed only with the knowledge that she will perish. And probably horribly. Although, if she has a choice in the matter, she would like to request Death by Gary Oldman (see previous post for further clarification).

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The following items are those the insomniac  has deemed necessary for her Non-Survival Crate, to help her prepare for her inevitable demise with the Grace and Dignity she is so well known by. Well known for. Whatever.

*** A Comfortable Chair ***
Preferably with her favourite Death's Cameo Lumbar Coffin Pillow, in case it's a long movie and her back starts giving her grief.



*** A Decent Ottoman ***
And not one of those adorable Victorian beaded footstools, either ... the kind that barely raise a person's feet two inches off the floor. As attractive as they are, the insomniac  requires a real ottoman, so that when Mr. Oldman finally arrives her legs aren't numb from being incorrectly elevated, causing her great embarrassment as she attempts to stand and meet her executioner with Grace and Dignity but instead crumples to the floor at his feet in an untidy heap whimpering, “Help. I've fallen and I can't get up.”

Should a decent-sized Victorian ottoman be as difficult for the staff at Man Crates to find as it's proven to be for the insomniac, then one could always kill a few hours modifying the crate itself with a staple gun and a piece of damask. Still, it would be nice to leave just one more piece of antique furniture for the offspring to deal with after her departure, along with all those knitted goods she's in the process of creating and accumulating in a box. In the basement. Underneath the stairs.

Eldest:  Oh look. Mum's favourite chair and ottoman. Shame it's covered in blood and ... good Lord,  what is THAT? Okay, those are yours.

Youngest:  I'm  not taking them. took the armwarmers and  the stupid slouchy hat with matching mittens and  the twenty-three pair of socks she knit last Christmas.

*** Snacks ***
This is one item the insomniac  completely agrees with the other participants is essential in anyone's Crate - whether it be Survival or Non-Survival.

The Snack Sensei Crate. Enjoy with courage and bravery.
This.

Enjoying these snacks and sauces are akin to tongue-lapping the flames of Hades.
Not this.

No sense embarrassing herself even further with ... gassiness ...
 while laying there in a crumpled heap at Mr. Oldman's feet.

*** Light Reading Material ***
Any of the following magazines - Victoria, Romantic Cottage, The English Home, Period Living UK - basically, anything with pretty pictures and very little text. Seems rather pointless to start in on an epic novel if it's unlikely one is going to live long enough to find out how it ends.

*** Alcohol - And Plenty Of It ***
Because it IS important to remain hydrated. Any of the Mixed Drink or Whiskey Crates would fit the bill nicely; none of the Beer Crates, please. One would assume Mr. Oldman prefers his victims to not be ... er, gassy.

Classic Moscow Mule Gift Set for Guys
This.

The Personalized Oktoberfest Stein is your passport to the greatest state of mind: Oktober.
Probably not this.

Now should the folks at Man Crates have zero control over how the insomniac  meets her doom and, instead of her preference of a semi-civilized exit by exsanguination via Mr. Oldman, she perishes in the Zombie Apocalypse while being used as someone much faster and smarter's meat shield, is chewed to death by a rabid dog when she trips and falls as she's “running” to the safety of her vehicle, or is slashed to bits by a chainsaw-wielding maniac **waves to the spouse** as she unwisely chooses to enter the obviously unsavory abandoned cottage, then she would like to add the following item to her Non-Survival Crate:

*** Depend Briefs ***
Two pair should be sufficient. Unless it's a really ghastly ending, then best to make it three. If it's going to be completely horrific, don't even bother adding them to the crate. Probably not going to matter that much anyway.

* * *

To be clear, this is not a paid-for post. At the time of this writing, no one from Man Crates has reached out to the insomniac  to ask for her mailing address. However, should any of the aforementioned crates accidentally wind up on her doorstep, it's unlikely they'd be returned “Addressee Unknown”. One is quite sure the spouse would enjoy the contents immensely, while raising a toast to his late Gracefully Dignified wife ...

Until next time, the insomniac  wishes you nights of blissful sleep filled with pleasant dreams. Goodnight, my pretties.

IA

46 comments:

  1. It takes a clever person to pry a smile let alone an out loud laugh, or two or three! Circulation is very important at all times especially when hot thespians are near! Men's Crates has a gem in you and I hope they are aware...men only watch horror with women....perfect groping/date night movie for alllllll ages!
    You would be the damsel, in the flowing nightdress appearing helpless until the moment of the perfect kill!
    Always lovely visiting you! xoDebi

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    1. I'm glad you laughed, Debi! That's really my purpose here in this blog - to make people's day a bit brighter - I hope I succeed. :)

      Circulation IS important, as I'm finding out. And it's been so long since I've been to a horror movie with the spouse (he hates sitting in theatres because of HIS circulation), I'd forgotten about the groping part! LOL

      Oh no! So I don't spoil the illusion, I'll need to go find my flowing nightdress and ditch my regular nightly attire - a ripped Cereal Killer t-shirt and plaid flannel PJ pants! Now I wonder where I put that thing? ;)

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  2. Now that's quite a list of items you have there, but my needs are a bit simpler. All I need to make it to the end of a horror film is for it to be well done. No crow bars are needed.

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    1. Yes, well I would like to be comfortable and entertained as I wait for my grisly end, Nightwind. ;)

      I seldom make it to the end of any horror movie, well done or not. About five minutes in - just as soon as the scary music starts - I'm gone. ;)

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  3. So let me get this straight - The End is nigh and your worried about bladder weakness?

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    1. I'm of the generation whose mothers used to caution them to always wear nice underwear - you know, in case you get in an accident and have to go to the hospital and all the staff sees it. I guess that's stuck with me, Ali. Thanksalot, Mum. ;)

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  4. Hilarious! And may all your Gary Oldman dreams come true . . . . in the safety of your imagination.

    Me, I'd prefer to get the Vampire Kiss of Death from Tom Hiddleston (Adam in "Only Lovers Left Alive"). But I'd also need a bazooka and a flamethrower in my crate. Oh, not to use on Our Tom -- horrors, the very idea! -- but to fend off all those other Hiddlestoner bitches who'd be trying to climb over me to get to him.

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    1. Thanks, Debra - I'm glad you thought so. And yes, in the safety of my imagination is best. ;)

      You know, I still haven't seen Only Lovers Left Alive! I've really got to buy myself a copy - or ask for one for my birthday. I did, however, venture into Calgary with the youngest yesterday for Cheap Tuesday at the theatres and we saw Crimson Peak. NOW I get the whole Tom Hiddleston frenzy. There was one particularly delightful scene in the movie where they consummate the marriage (and I was beginning to think that was NEVER going to happen, BTW) that brought to light the whole Tom ”Hiddlesbum” comment I've been seeing around the internet lately. Mr. Oldman, you've got competition. :)

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  5. You are a total stitch! Hilarious!! Hope those zombies down the road don't catch wind of this post and start the feasting earlier than planned. I'm assuming the're just waiting for the 31st to shamble out of the dense forest and attack. I'll be checking in with you on November 1st.

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    1. Awwww thanks, Creepy Glowbugg! I've got one more post planned before Hallowe'en, so those buggers better stay clear until I at least get that one up! Yes please, check in on me November 1st - All Saints Day. Doesn't sound promising, does it? Because I am such a Saint. No, I'm serious.

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  6. Even thiugh this premise was fun and I always enjoy your posts, I don't agree with the tactics of the Man Crate company. They contacted me about a year ago on Twitter, asking me to write a funny post/review on this very topic, and when I asked if I would be getting any compensation they answered: "No, but we will like your page - and we have soooo many folllowers, it will be great coverage for you!" Hmmm...what..? They are just fishing for people to do free advertising for them

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    1. I only did it because it was a fun topic for me to write about, Ms. Misantropia. I knew there would be no compensation as no mention was made of it. Still, if they do have lots of followers and some of those followers make it over here to the blog, and then just happen to glance up TO THE TOP OF THIS PAGE and notice the VERY FIRST TAB directing them to my online shoppe full of creepy stuff and find themselves compelled to buy something ... well then ... hooray. ;)

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  7. Of course, I sincerely hope you would survive the End of a bad horror movie, but if the worst comes to pass, may it indeed be "Death by Gary Oldman". ;D (Or Tom Hiddleston! Nice one, Debra She Who Seeks!! :D )

    P.S. I had to delete my first comment because I made a catastrophic typo! I accidentally typed "Death of Gary Oldman" instead of "Death by Gary Oldman". Sacré bleu!!!

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    1. Well I hope I would too, Little Gothic Horrors! But I'm a realist. And also, now the youngest and I have seen Crimson Peak yesterday, a newly initiated member of the Tom Hiddleston Fangirl Club. ;)

      I saw that! Sacré bleu is right! LOL

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  8. I don't watch a lot of real horror movies. Do they have some sage librarian type figure who advises the children and survives? You could do that!

    OMG I had such a bad back the other day, if a murderer came along I would have been like, "just make it quick, the pain is killing me anyway!"

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    1. Me either, Laura. Especially if they're gory. However, I will recommend Crimson Peak to you. I'm the worst coward ever and I was able to make it through the entire movie, only covering my eyes once. You'd love the house, you'd love the costumes, you'd love Tom Hiddleston. I like the idea of a sage librarian character. That's totally me! Except for maybe the sage part. LOL

      Bad backs are the worst, aren't they. :(

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  9. I loved this post, you made me laugh so hard! Actually, I think you made a good point on this post: most of people would not survive on a horror film because, well, then it wouldn´t be a horror film. I can totally see myself deciding to fight the psycho at the end of the movie, just to perish while The Gentle One uses that time to ACTUALLY kill the bastard by stabbing him in the back or some other clever tactic I hadn´t thought about before. Although I obviously prefer you end, with Mr. Oldman playing his charming role.

    Apart from this, I agree with Ms. Misanthropia on this topic: companies should make their best to offer some kind of compensation to bloggers for their work. Hundreds of posts have been writen about it before, so they should already know how much work and time requires creating a good post. It is just not fair from them to think free publicity is aceptable or even professional. It doesn´t give a good corporate image, I think.

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it, Violette! I think very few of us would survive a horror film. Really, you can't have everybody live to the end or, as you say, what's the point of the movie! And I think you're very brave to fight the psycho ... I really would be lying in an untidy heap on the floor, whimpering loudly. Deafeningly even. ;)

      Actually, if Man Crates had offered me compensation, I probably would have declined. I write for me and hopefully for everyone else who enjoys reading my posts - like you! If there were compensation involved, I'd feel funny about it. But I agree ... for people who actually do make their living at blogging, compensation is required.

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  10. Hahaha thoroughly enjoyed this post! I'd be useless in a horror film, unless 'let's hide until it goes away. Until EVERYTHING goes away' is a valid tactic.

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    1. Thank you, Amy! I find the “let's hide until it goes away” philosophy works quite well in ALL areas of my life. :)

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  11. No insomniac was harmed in the making of this.

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    1. That's good, Variations on Light. Really good. I may just have to steal that for a future blog post. You wouldn't mind, provided I credited you with a link, would you? :)

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    2. Go on... laugh at me, I don't mind:-D

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    3. I'm not laughing - I think it's brilliant!

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  12. Hahahaha! Excellent!!! Yes, this is a horrrifically wonderful start to my day.
    I like your list. All well-reasoned selections. I hope they send you a WO-man crate. Yes, they should have paid you for this brilliant piece of writing. But in an ideal world, I'd also be an oligarch.
    I would include also a bag to go over my head so I don't look at the squeamishly bad parts, although my preferred horror movies are of an age that don't show that stuff anyway, and if they do it's usually in black and white so not quite as scary. Ditch the ottoman - have you ever sat in one of those deluxe Laz-Zee-Boy chairs, don't know how to spell it. Wow, they are bod cradles - you'd fall asleep during the horror movie. Or, a chair that has a built-in massage function for when Mr. Oldman finally makes his way to you... Hahaha. Thanks for the laughs!

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    1. Thank you, Melanie! I hope I didn't make you upchuck your morning coffee and muffin with the bloody chair and ottoman scene. ;)

      I have never tried a La-Z-Boy and obviously haven't ever had to try and spell it neither! The spouse wanted one upstairs in front of the television, but let me tell you, I put the kibosh on that idea pronto. I had to look up oligarch - now there's a word you don't see every day. Actually, might even have been years since I last saw it, hence the need to look it up in the dictionary - memory being what it is and all. You'd be perfect though. You've totally got the wardrobe for it. :)

      I'm enjoying your IG account a lot - love seeing your art! :D

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    2. Wait - I lied! There was a La-Z-Boy in the rental we were living in when our cottage was being built! I do remember loving it, even if there wasn't a massage function. It was the perfect knitting chair. See - what did I just say about my memory? Tsk. :)

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  13. I really had to laugh. You and I would probably expire together. Waving goodbye as we are cut down by the Zombies. Although I do like the idea of exsanguination, I believe I would prefer someone more along the lines of Louis, or even Armand (the movie version, since he is older and I am not a cradle robber). Unless I had that gassy problem. Then I would just have to move along to the Potter characters and pray for Lord Voldemort. After all, one does not want to offend.

    Great post!!

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    1. Oh, that would be sweet to have someone to expire with, Debbi! Someone to share a few cocktails and a couple of laughs with while I'm waiting for my denouement. What magazines do you like? I'll pick them up, since you were so kind as to think of me back there in the loo. Maybe we could request Death by Oldman and Armand - one for each of us. Gracious no, not Voldemort! That would be a truly horrifying end ... he's far too creepy. Gassy and offensive or not, we deserve better than that. ;)

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  14. Don't forgot to add those depend briefs to the nightdress! That section had me rolling on the floor laughing!

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    1. I understand those Depends can be quite ... slimming. ;)

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  15. I once debated getting my husband one of these mancrates-- they look like pretty neat gifts to give!
    I'm afraid that my youth gives me zero advantage for I am a huge coward and not that street smart, heh. Plus if I lose my glasses-- which people in films always do-- it's over!

    How about a really nice blanket to snuggle underneath while it all happens? Lol

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    1. They do look pretty cool, don't they? And personally, I'd really go for the kraut and beer crate - unless I had an appointment with Mr. Oldman, obviously. ;)

      Oh yes, I forgot about losing my glasses! I'd be in the same boat as you, I'm afraid. Walk right up to the psychopath and ask for directions. And I completely forgot about a blankie! You should write one of these Madame MM. LOL

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  16. What a clever spin on the subscription box idea. I just love your writing in this piece (as per usual :)) and was smiling (errr, grinning menacingly in true horror flick fashion? :D) the whole way through.

    Happiest Halloween week wishes!
    ♥ Jessica

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    1. Man Crates are a good idea, although I'm never at a loss what to get for mine - Harley parts. ;)

      Awwww, thanks - it's always nice to know people enjoy the posts even if it's out of my comfort level to write a sort of “advertisement” piece. But it was a good topic, and the more I write, the more I feel like I'm going to get back to regular blogging. Which I wasn't too sure about a month ago.

      I'd love to see your menacing grin - I have my doubts you could EVER look menacing, Jessica. Happy Hallowe'en to you too! Only three more sleeps! :D

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    2. For some reason I was unable to leave a free standing comment, so I have had to add a reply here. I hope this works! Oh how I howled (like a Werewolf) at this. So funny, the best time I've had for ages. PLEASE keep blogging! Enjoy Halloween and I sincerely hope that Mr Oldman does not keep you waiting too long. x

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    3. You're the second person who's said they've had a problem leaving comments. I hope it's nothing I've managed to mess up on my end. :P

      I would have enjoyed seeing you howl like a werewolf! I think I go through stages where I start to question why I bother to blog at all, and then I get sweet comments like yours and realize that's why I do it! I'm excited about Hallowe'en although I'm not sure why - I doubt we'll get any children trick or treating. Maybe I'm secretly anticipating Mr. Oldman's arrival at the front door. Yes, I DO live in a fantasy world. ;)

      Have a wonderful Hallowe'en, LeeAnn! xo

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  17. That was a really entertaining read. I can easily imagine you leisurely sipping wine, reading Victoria magazine, and reclining with your feet up on a pretty victorian ottoman all while the zombie apocalypse is happening just outside. Much like the musicians that chose to keep playing while the Titanic sunk. Lol

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    1. Well, I'd actually be sipping Vodka Paralyzers, but who keeps tabs on that kind of stuff anyway? As long as it's alcoholic. ;)

      And yes, I probably would have been one of those musicians, turning a blind eye to what's really happening outside my ship. It works quite well for me in everyday life - why should a zombie apocalypse be any different? LOL Thank you for commenting, Mary. :)

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  18. where's the bug jewellery??

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    1. Okay who is this? Kevin, is that you? LOL

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    2. Oh, and the bug jewellery comes with me to Horror Con every year. It's saved for my “special” customers ... ;)

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    3. yup!!!

      saw you in the herald.

      expect some comments from from Ron, as well...

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    4. Ron here. Amazing how insightful the editors of Offline News were even way back then. It's like they had ESP! Congrats on the venture!

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    5. now, we just have wait for the 'Klus Kloset' to open!!!!

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    6. When we were packing up at our old place, I found that copy of Offline News - it's now filed away somewhere in a folder of things I HAD to keep, although I couldn't tell you where exactly that folder is at the moment. And what's the matter with that Stanley that he hasn't started up Klus' Kloset yet? Tell him he's going to need something to keep himself occupied when he's retired!

      You guys still working downtown? Maybe one day when you get an extra long lunch, I could come into the city and meet you - maybe share the latest collection of bug jewellery? ;)

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